Binge eating is a disorder that people don’t realize is a problem.– Demi Lovato
I told myself, and you, that I would be raw and real about my journey. I promised to give insight into the battle of emotional eating, so buckle up buttercup … because it is about to get really REAL in here.
Last Friday night, something happened that triggered my emotional eating. I am not going to share the details of the incident but it really hurt me on a deep emotional level. I haven’t had a binge or emotional eating episode for over six months, so I am probably being extra hard on myself which is making it even HARDER to break the binge. Saturday, even after saying things were better … they weren’t. I was left with this hole in my soul. I felt unloveable, unwanted, easy to throw away. I felt like the world didn’t need me and my partner didn’t want me. I was hurt, confused and lost in an overwhelming bubble of pain. It only took one small incident, one minute to break that emotional nut wide open. This isn’t about him by the way, it is about me, my reaction to stressful moments and he is not to blame for my spiral down the dark binge path or how I FEEL.
The next day I slept, a lot. I didn’t get out of bed until 2 pm, and when I did wake up the hole was there screaming at me to fill it. Apologies were made, heartfelt real apologies but that didn’t fix it. The damage was done, the wound opened up and the need to feed it all too real. I couldn’t wait for 5 pm to come, for my love to go to work because then I could rush to the store and get what I need. The sad thing is, when you are on a binge you can’t just go to one store, you have to go several to get your supplies… judging eyes are everywhere and I don’t need to feel more ashamed.
My need to binge is strong, too strong. I am really struggling to get past it but I have promised myself, no more trips to the store. I just need to get past this last little hump (that is what I tell myself). The thing about binging that is really hard to beat is the shame. I feel so ashamed and weak and angry with myself that I let the emotions win. I have cried a lot of tears and done a ton of hateful self-talk the last few days. I think the worst part is hiding it all. Keeping it stashed in my car, shoved under my bed, tucked into my dresser drawers for those moments I can hide and shove it all in my face.
Sadly, the rush of feel-good emotions while gorging on sugary sweet treats quickly fades and suddenly you find yourself looking for the next moment you can sneak off and indulge. I am not actually chewing my pain away, I am just causing new and different pain. I am feeling the effects of my binge physically. I am bloated, heavier cuz let’s face it you can’t pig out and not gain weight, lethargic, moody and above all else saddened by my weakness.
I cannot explain the urge, other than to say it is certainly an addiction. There is an all-encompassing need to eat, not sure what … so I get a little of everything. Pretty soon that little bit of everything is a lot. I am in a bad place right now but I know I will pull through. Tomorrow is a new day, and now that I have shared this downfall, it encourages me to share with you my triumph of getting past it.
If you wanted to know what binge eating looks like, here you go.